Columns
| The Good, the Bad and the Porn Addict |
| Written by Jessica Harris |
| Thursday, 22 October 2009 |
|
It is human nature to put our ‘best foot forward.’ On the other hand, we are told to take it easy because ‘nobody’s perfect.’ The fact is we never see much from imperfect people. Imperfect students do not make it into high rate colleges. Imperfect athletes do not make it into professional sports. Imperfect girls do not make it onto the cover of magazines. Imperfect people do not get recognized, at least not if people know they are imperfect. This leads us all to a point when we must choose: either be me, or be perfect, because I am not perfect. I chose the perfect. It seems like a simple step, but it was not. People talk about living a double life, but I lived a diamond one, with more faces than I care to count. Everyone has a different definition of perfect. For my teachers, I was the straight-A student. For my grandparents, I was the poster girl for etiquette. For my youth group leaders, I memorized Bible verses right and left and competed in all of the talent competitions. For my friends at school, I talked trash. For my friends at church, I talked Jesus. For the men online, I talked sex. At the age of thirteen, I stumbled across a pornographic video while doing research. Things spiraled downhill from there. I began to become actively involved in chat room sex (cybering), giving myself to man after man, making sure I was exactly what he wanted. It became my release from the stress of high school. It became a second world where I could ‘be me’ and be ‘accepted’ for being me. Somehow, I figured that these men- if they were even men- knew who I was and loved me anyway. I wanted to be perfect for everyone, including them. The only one I never tried to be perfect for was God. After all, who was I to compete for His affection? How could I compare to true perfection? The summer after I graduated high school, nearly four years after my introduction to pornography, I understood the love of Christ. I realized that my ‘best foot forward’ did not matter to Him, that He loved me- the good, the bad and the porn addict. After coming to Christ, I thought everything would fix itself, but it did not. Less than a month later, I stooped to the level of becoming someone else’s pornography and sent pictures of my body to a complete stranger from another college. The deans caught my internet activity, called me in and informed me that they knew it was not my fault, because ‘women don’t have this problem.’ I left a couple months later. The next year was marked by chaos and constant battle. I began to try to break free from pornography. I would print it off and burn it. I would save it to a disk and shatter the disk. I would password protect the family computer, only to disable the password whenever I wanted I went to Bible college in 2004. It was there that I heard the truth for the first time, “We know some of you women are struggling with pornography.” It was a flicker of hope. For once in my life, someone, besides God, knew I was not perfect. The women of the dean staff worked closely with me over the next two years as I journeyed toward freedom. They kept me accountable and helped me find practical, Biblical tools to fight the addiction of pornography. I still held on to my ‘perfect’ dreams of becoming a doctor and living happily ever after. God had different plans. When I felt Him burden me to share my story, I was shocked. Why, after spending my life impressing people, would I choose to publicly un-impress them? Every time I think that -and I still do- the verse in 2 Corinthians comes to mind when God tells Paul, “…My strength is made perfect in weakness.” This is not a new strategy for God. Throughout Scripture, we see Him using the imperfect. He uses the adulterer, the murderer, the liar. He uses them all! He uses weak people to accomplish His omnipotent goals. So it is, I forsook my dreams of fame and fortune and the prestigious field of medicine. I left a well-paying job at a surgeon’s office in order to teach at a local Christian high school. Beggar’s Daughter was launched in April 2009 and since then, has helped hundreds hear the message of hope. The message that no far is too far for our God. He takes them all- the good, the bad, and the porn addict.
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thnx for your article.
Just the fact of noticing somebody
else is fighting the same problem
and some one of the
opposite sex
helps me to keep it up.
Like when Mosses raised his hands
during the battle praying to God,
please do
keep your hands of
intelligence and testimony serve
us as sign of hope.
from Guatemala,
diego.-